When I first discovered that my husband of 12 years was a sex addict it was a shock. I was devastated as I tried to emotionally digest what I was learning about my husband’s secret life. As I learned more, I began to see how my husband was willing to admit that he had a problem and that he was willing to get help to change his compulsive behaviors. This helped me begin to see that I wanted to at least try to save the relationship.
For me it seemed that I had two choices. I could believe that my husband’s problem somehow reflected on my value as a person and blame him or I could use the explosion of this problem in my marriage to help me learn more about what was going with me and with the two of us a couple. I knew that my husband was getting support to work on his issues and I saw him really showing up for that support. This helped me feel like I could focus on myself and what all this meant to me — and about me.
My first option of making this be all about my husband‘s shortcomings didn’t seem all that great. I saw that I could stay focused on feeling sorry for myself, being angry, sad, and depressed, and then possibly leave the relationship altogether. It seemed to me that in taking that path that later in my life I would very possibly enter another relationship that might be equally bad or even worse. I want to fully understand why I would put up with someone for so many years who was not fully there for me. Let’s face it; my sex addict partner was really never there for me completely in mind, body and soul. I saw that if I didn’t recognize how I was willing to be in relationship with someone who wasn’t really there, that I stood a good chance of repeating the same thing again.
I felt that it was a better choice to first learn everything I could about this problem. I did extensive reading on the subject, got counseling, and did some honest self-discovery to discover why in the first place I would have ever entered into such a relationship with someone who was really not fulfilling my wants and needs. This is where my transformation really began to take hold. With it I have begun to see the possibility of building a very stable and strong foundation for a real relationship with true intimacy.
My husband has been on his own journey of discovery of why he wasn’t able to actually be present in the relationship with me. It hasn’t been easy, but we have both had revelations. In sharing those revelations with each other, we have been able to get so much closer.
Initially I wouldn’t have believed it was possible, but the discovery of my partner’s sex addiction, as horrible as it was, was also a blessing. With this devastation was born a beautiful transformation bearing the fruit of a real intimate and satisfying relationship.