I wake up every day with good intentions. I tell myself I won’t look at porn. I tell myself I can quit doing this; but by mid-day, I’ve already visited my favorite sites three times. I feel like I can’t stop myself, and that powerlessness is frightening. Does this mean I might be a sex addict?
I’ve masturbated to porn while sitting in my car, and while my wife was asleep in bed next to me. I’ll look for any excuse to grab a few minutes alone. I’m avoiding people – even people I love, because this compulsion to look at porn and more porn is all consuming. I’m afraid I might be addicted to sex.
I’ve even pulled up porn sites at work. This is on my work computer, which I know is being monitored. I figure they can’t watch everyone’s internet activity all day, every day, right? I just keep rolling the dice, hoping my behavior will go unnoticed. One day, I wonder if I’ll be asked to clear out my desk and leave the premises. Am I really willing to lose my job over this?
I’m constantly afraid I’ll get caught. Finding new ways to hide is like a second job for me. I’ll make use of bathroom stalls, dressing rooms in stores, the basement, the garage… anywhere. I’m hiding like some kind of animal, but even that knowledge isn’t enough to make me stop.
Maybe I deserve this. Sometimes I think about my habits, and I realize that I use porn as a means of dealing with stress. Well, what adult doesn’t have stress? Why can other people deal with their feelings in constructive ways, while I keep acting out?
See, every time I do this, I feel a little worse. I get angry with myself. I feel ashamed. Porn promises me a cheap and easy way out of dealing with real issues, but afterward, the issues are still there. I still haven’t faced anything. That makes me feel worthless, and I’m never more likely to look at porn then when I’m feeling that way. It’s a cycle, and I can’t break out of it.
Who could I even tell about this? My wife? What if she’s hurt by this information? This isn’t her fault, and I would hate for her to think it is. I can’t talk to a buddy about this, because his first response would probably be “Hey man, everyone looks at porn. What’s the big deal?” The big deal is that I’m not just “looking” at it. It’s taking over my whole life.
So that’s why I’m the only one who knows I’m addicted to sex and porn. I feel so isolated. If I can’t get a grip on this, I imagine it will continue on until it consumes everything. My marriage, my job, my friendships, my family – all gone.
There has to be a better way to do this…
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