Relationship Differences—How Much Is Too Much?

Common beliefs may tell you that it is essential to have the same interests and styles to co-exist happily. Some 64% of married Americans believe that “having shared interests” is very important for a successful marriage, according to the Pew Research Center. In fact, those surveyed ranked shared interests as more essential than good sex or shared political beliefs. Conventional …

Women’s Wisdom – Make Your Holidays Manageable

If I were to ask you the question: “Are you taking care of yourself during the holidays?” I’m sure I’d get a mixed bag of responses. During this time of year, we are all very busy, stressed, and pressed for time. It seems like self-care is the last thing on many women’s lists. Today, I want my message to be …

Women’s Wisdom: Resentment Is Part Of The Healing Process, But Only Part

Resentment is often regarded as a negative emotion to be avoided, much like jealousy. However, as partners of sex addicts, resentment is often a huge part of what you are feeling. There is honesty in resentment. The feeling is very real and is something to be faced head-on in order to progress. Think of it this way: you connected with …

Are You In A Codependent Relationship?

Codependency sounds like a dirty word. We know it sounds bad, must be bad, but what is it really? How can you tell if you are indeed in a codependent relationship? Many people find themselves repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns despite knowing better. Do you find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner’s happiness, putting your own life …

Women’s Wisdom: How to Ask for Help

To define what I mean when I say “women’s wisdom,” I would have to say this: there’s a sort of sixth sense women have about their own lives — an internal truth that you can hear when you pay attention. The problem is that many of us have trouble accessing this wisdom, because we get tangled up in all the …

a globe in a white room

How Countries around the World are Reacting to American Porn

American porn is becoming a more and more dangerous thing every day. We have a nation full of men (and increasingly, women) who are desperate for constant novelty, leading them further and further down the seemingly endless hardcore porn rabbit hole into darker and more fringe territory. And the rest of the world doesn’t necessarily have the same relationship to …

two married people's hands with wedding rings overcoming porn addiction in their marriage

Your marriage still matters

Being married to a porn or sex addict is at once infuriating and devastating. No matter which side of the marriage you’re on, this is a profoundly hard time. If you are in addiction recovery and it’s your goal to redeem your marriage, there is a lot of hard work ahead of you. But don’t be afraid. Other couples, far …

woman backlit by the sun

When Women Talk About Porn

When I set out to tackle the topic of how women feel about their partner’s porn use, I never could have anticipated the response I would get. So many women, dear, smart, and amazing women, were eager to share their heart-wrenching stories with me. Some stories end with healing, and others end with the destruction of a marriage. No story …

The Women Behind the Sex Scandals: Why They Need Help Too

Women have been coming forward in droves to share their stories of sexual assault and sexual misconduct perpetrated against them by some of the richest and most powerful men in the world. This is, I think, both a wonderful thing and a very complicated thing, because at the end of the day, there are real live women behind these stories, …

Beginning Couple’s Therapy for Sex Addiction: Here’s What You’re In For

  When a sex or porn addiction first comes to light in a relationship, everything feels chaotic. Perhaps your partner was caught in their behavior and is reluctant to admit any wrongdoing. Perhaps they confessed their behavior when either guilt or self-doubt became too unbearable. Either way, your relationship has been shattered, and you are going to need lots of …

When The Person Saying “I Told You So,” Is You

This is a message to the woman who got involved with someone she thought she could change. Maybe you met him while he was still involved in another relationship. Perhaps he was a drinker, a gambler, a sex addict, or an abuser. Maybe you knew someone else who was involved with him in the past and had heard stories about …

Self Forgiveness Means Accepting Our Own Humanity

To much of the outside world, a relationship that falls apart due to a sex or porn addiction has a very clear bad guy. Everything that happened was due to the destructive behavior on the part of the addict, while their partner is totally innocent. Seems obvious, right? Unless you’re looking at the issue from inside the relationship — the partners …

Acknowledging His Suffering Isn’t the Same As Letting Him Off the Hook

When working with the heartbroken partners of sex addicts and porn addicts, at a certain point, they tend to come to the realization that their partner is suffering too. It’s not at all uncommon (or unhealthy) for their first thought to be “Well, good!” I work with women whose worlds have been rocked by the discovery of unfaithfulness. Whether this …

When His Therapy Feels Like It’s Re-Victimizing You

The partners of sex and porn addicts do not always have an easy road ahead of them. Often, an unevenness can begin to develop almost immediately where “his progress,” “his work,” or “his addiction,” can begin to take precedence over your own recovery. This is especially true if the betrayed partner has not also sought help. While external factors such …

Coping With Your First Holiday Alone

  Despite everyone’s best efforts, it is a hard fact of life that some relationships simply can’t survive a sex or porn addiction. Even after second chances, extensive counseling and a real commitment to making it work, sometimes one partner’s addiction is simply too much for the relationship to bear – and it ends. Very few women are able to …

Standing on the Precipice – Ending a Relationship During the Holidays

It’s a hard fact of relationship counseling that the ideal outcome isn’t always “and they lived happily ever after.” Unfortunately, this can be especially true if sex or porn addiction is a factor when the addicted partner is not able to make the necessary changes. Sometimes, the best thing for a couple to do is go their separate ways, for …

How Dealing With a Partner’s Addiction Changes You

We talk a lot about the healing process that women undergo in order to cope with their partner’s addiction. However, there’s one thing I haven’t mentioned yet, and that’s the fact that this journey you’re on will change you. There is so much to process and take in, so many feelings and questions to parse out, and it’s somewhere in …

Learning to Value Yourself Despite a Partner’s Sex Addiction

My first task in working with the partners of sex addicts is to address three major emotions they are grappling with: shock, blame and hurt. Each of these emotions has the ability to shake you to your foundations, and we must work through them early on in the healing process. A betrayal tears apart everything you believe in. When you …

Integrity: Your Work Isn’t Done Yet

This is the third and final part in my series on resilience. I’ve taken you through the steps of incorporating self-care into your life, and also reminded you of the emotional tools you already have in your toolbox. Part One: Caring For Yourself When You Love An Addict Part Two: Power Regained: Working Your Way Through Your Partner’s Betrayal Now …

Power Regained —Working Your Way Through Your Partner’s Betrayal

This is the second blog in a series on resilience. In the first installment, I spoke about the importance of self care, and why it’s such a difficult concept for many betrayed women to comprehend. What I’d like to talk about now is what happens after you learn to prioritize your own needs. How do you continue to progress towards …