CLIENT HOMEWORK
In the interest of moving our clients along expeditiously we assign “homework.” One modality we use is dialogue. Dialogue work means that our clients are, essentially, taking our job. It’s one of modalities that we use to get our clients to SEE how they’re thinking and what they’re doing. It’s, quite simply, talking to one’s self. It’s acting as if you can. AND, you can. It works. Read some of the examples below and SEE how it actually does work. With their permission the names and any identifying features have been changed to protect the client’s identities.
Client Homework Example 1
This piece was done when the client was "antsy" and alone, babysitting his son Johnny. Instead of acting out on the internet he wrote a dialogue involving the "younger" part of himself. Sex addiction is a regressive disorder, often involving euphoric recall, or early exciting memories of immature sexual experiences. It's often used (by men who are sexually compulsive) as a coping strategy, in adulthood, to mask their feelings of fear, pain, shame, self-doubt, judgment, criticism, unstructured time, or anger. You will see, here, how Bob invites the "regression" to "talk" in order to SEE how it works and "grow it up."
Bob: Well, hello Bobby, you have something new for me?
Bobby: I don’t like boredom take a look for some tits....
Bob: Wow....And here I thought you were "gone" for awhile.
Bobby: I don’t like boredom I told you!
Bob: What’s so wrong with idle time?
Bobby: I doubt us and our abilities when there is nothing to do.
Bob: We have something to do. We are taking care of our son Johnny.
Bobby: Johnny is watching TV you won’t do any harm.
Bob: Well Bobby those days are over...We have things we can do.
Bobby: Tits are a good time killer.
Bob: Bobby you need to be a big boy now. Time for us to really be adults and move past that kind of thing. Our wife has wonderful breasts and they are available later. I am a Dad now and it is inappropriate to do that. I won’t risk him seeing that on the screen should he walk in, and it’s not who we are anymore.
Bobby: Well I thought I might try.
Bob: Bobby please continue to use that energy for better things. I have been very happy with where you have put your energy lately and I want to keep it up.
Bobby: Ok thanks for the compliment.
Bob: You are growing up, you are doing great and I appreciate you.
Client Homework Example 2
Here you can see a clear demonstration of the true value of dialogue work in this skillful inquiry by "Joseph." This piece ultimately shows how "Joseph" comes to realize how growing up with a tyrannical/alcoholic father kept him from developing the self esteem necessary to feel full and complete. It appears that he finally "gets" the damage that this has caused and feels confident (and ready) to, essentially, re-parent himself and let go of the sexually addictive coping strategy that "helped" him survive a very difficult childhood. He can, finally, be here NOW, with his simple human flaws, and stop living in reaction to his alcoholic father's demand for perfection that he, himself, couldn't achieve. The sins of the father were "No more!" Heroic.
Joseph: Addict, let's talk.
Addict: I know what you want to talk about.
Joseph: It has to do with the connection between failure and love. I think we have operated our whole lives thinking that if we didn't succeed, didn't achieve, we would not be loved. And love is all that we've ever wanted.
Addict: You're right. If I fail, father will reject me. I'll be criticized, humiliated, and emotionally, maybe physically, abused. It means I am not lovable. Love is conditional on performance and if I blow it, no one will love me. That's what is says in the book, right?
Joseph: Yeah, I know. But it's not true. You can fail and still be loved. Don't you think the wife and kids will love you no matter what? Haven't they already proven that? You have been fired, you've blown it as a dad, you've failed in business and STILL they love you. They love you. It isn't about how you perform, it's about who you are and how you love them in return. That's what it's about. It's not about earning love by succeeding in life.
Addict: But I know the pain and isolation of failure. It's the same pain and isolation as when a mistake is made. Mistakes, like underachieving, are not acceptable. Perfection is the only acceptable condition. And if I make a mistake I get hit, humiliated and degraded. Same for any of us kids, you know that.
Joseph: Yes, that's true. Fathers love was always, always conditional with money being the big stick. But you know what? You can be imperfect and still be loved. You know this through faith, through family, and through good friends. We have already experienced this truth. So how does this relate to porn?
Addict: I like porn because it takes my mind off the pain. It soothes the pain. I can do it in secret and escape the fact that I'm not perfect (and therefore not lovable.) I know that looking at it is, in itself, a huge imperfection. It's a shameful thing to do and it puts at risk all that you hold dear, especially your marriage and the relationships with the kids. But it's an easy way to have an intense, pleasing emotional event in a life where so much is at risk.
Joseph: But that's just it. It's NOT at risk. You can fail, you don't have to be perfect as a businessman, a dad, a spouse. The love is still there.
Client Homework Example 3
Helping my clients sort out or separate the addictive energy from their true self allows them to notice the difference of being who they REALLY are...and are not. In this letter to his addict, my client addresses the old story and reminds his "addict" that he is indeed in charge and enjoying his real life...a life free of addiction.
I realize you love porn/sex and it has been all you have known for the
majority of my life. I realize things have changed in the past 9
months and that I am no longer looking at porn or using sex as a way
to feel better about myself, boost self-esteem, or reduce anxiety/ stress. This pisses you off and you have told me how angry it makes
you feel.
You still try to influence me through old tapes playing in
my head and back-dooring me into looking at swim suit models, etc… You
try to keep this a secret from Susan and tell small lies in the hopes
that all this will eventually pass and things will go back to the way
it used to be.
When traveling you try and convince me to go back to my
old habits because it doesn't hurt anyone and no one will find out. I
am telling you now that I will know and that is what counts. I do not
wish to do these activities anymore or participate in objectifying
women through sex. It causes me guilt and pain when I do that. I do
not want to lie or hide the truth anymore. I do not like the guilt.
I
want joy and peace in my life and to replace the shallow use of porn/ sex with real intimacy with my partner, Susan. She is my loving
wife and I have a real chance of having an even better and more loving
relationship than ever before. Our sex life is and can be much better
than anything as artificial as porn or escorts. The reality is that
the porn will never be enough to satisfy, and the deeper I go into it,
the more my life falls apart.
I am a husband and a successful and
responsible person now. I have a great life and am choosing to make it
better not worse. I no longer choose to believe the old stories that
no one loves me or that I am worthless. I have shown through my
personal and professional accomplishments that I am worthy, full of
self-esteem, and lovable. The old stories are just not true anymore
and the old lifestyle that you have been in charge of is no longer
needed in my life.
I am very thankful for what you have done and the
way you helped me survive growing up. However, we need to change
things now if we are going to move forward in our new life. We can
still have fun and live an exciting and full life without porn or
escorts. There are many new things that you can help out with. We can
focus on working out and eating right, concentrating on being
successful in my career, having an even better and more intimate
relationship with Susan, bringing more people into my life to love and
support me, and having fun in all the hobbies I enjoy doing.
The best
part is all of these things make me feel good, boost self-esteem, and
reduce anxiety/stress. I can be true to myself without the lies or
guilt and get all of the things that porn and sex used to provide me.
Thanks again for all you have done addict but times have changed and I
just don't buy the old stories anymore. I am a new person now that
sees through all of the lies and destructive behavior that used to
consume me.
Client Homework Example 4
This piece reflects the clients' (Tom) inquiry into his voyeuristic history, which began when he was still named Tommy. It's a sound attempt to "contact" his early programming and convert the regressive feelings and actions into
Hello George, Hope all is going well. Going to write about the small amount of old voyeuristic tendencies. I have found by writing about and addressing the issue of rubbernecking while driving by lit windows at night, the activity has decreased almost to the point of no longer doing it. The most amazing aspect of this is I really don't even think about not doing it, or distracting myself by looking at other things on the way home, I just don't do it.
Tom - Tommy, let's talk about some voyeuristic activities you still experience, and old habits.
Tommy - Sure
Tom - I notice when you turn on the television, you almost immediately turn to the cable channel and look at the contents and the first thing you look for is nudity in a program.
Tommy - That is true. The independent film channel allows nudity in it's programming, and I've seen a bit of it over the years.
Tom - Ok, so how do you feel when you see a program contains nudity.
Tommy - I feel good. I like seeing women nude.
Tom - Do you feel you are purposefully seeking out a medium to view nude women, like you did when you used the internet as a medium.
Tommy - Yes, sometimes I just have desires to see that. I know when I turn on the TV, which isn't often that I am hoping to find a program on cable that contains nudity, that is why my eyes are drawn to the program rating area.
Tom- Tommy, you and I are communicating better than we ever have, so I want you to think about other reasons you look at this area. For example, do you think you look at this area purely out of habit? Do you look for nudity on that channel because you've seen nudity on this channel in the past, and because of that, you associate nudity with the cable channel? And do you feel guilty when you see nudity on TV?
Tommy - Well I definitely don't feel guilty because I consider TV and the movies (non porn) as a main stream and accepted area for seeing women nude. I do think it's a habit, because I've sort of trained my eyes to go to the rating section to recognize the opportunity to see nudity. And yes, I do associate the cable channel with nudity.
Tom - Well Tommy, so you know, I'm not as concerned with the viewing of nudity as I am the fact that you are purposefully seeking it out. You do understand that's what you are doing?
Tommy - Of course I understand, but what do you want me to do about it? it's TV for Christ's sake.
Tom - The first thing I want you to do is be aware. The second thing I want you to do is be present. Don't turn on the TV with memories of past viewings and future hope in mind. Monitor your feelings. If you feel like you're being drawn to the TV STOP. Ensure you are present before you turn on the TV. Watch TV to be entertained or educated, not to fulfill an urge.
Thanks George
Client Homework Example 5
This piece reflects the challenge of being honest with one's self. Mitch's assignment was to understand that "We're only as sick as our secrets." It was important for him to challenge the dual nature of his addictive mind. The first difficult step in becoming who he REALLY is...not the victim of his old coping strategies. Not very pretty, but a step towards wholeness and
Mitch: I declare that I will no longer do anything that can not be talked
about in the open.
Addict: You're a liar.
Mitch: Embarrassed, ashamed it doesn't matter I will expose us. We will make
a change and create a stance for ourselves everyday
we will reach out for help, and support when it's needed and even when it is
not. We are not a looser, faulty, evil, gross, undeserving,
fake, weak, or un-acceptable.
Addict: You got a little power burst and now you think you can stand up to
me.
Mitch: Watch this. Last night I hooked my internet cam up and masturbated in
a men's chat room.
Addict: Oh, what the hell are you doing?
Mitch: I've masturbated to many websites, bondage sites, midgets, muscle
woman, straight gay, non nude, voyeur sites. You name it we've seen it or
have searched for it.
Addict: Ha! Ha! You could be ruining your chances with George.
Mitch: I don't care, as long as one person knows the real you, you wont be able to hide. I will put a damned spot light on us. I've inserted toys in myself before. Started that when I was young.
(Don't do it any more, just more light on the subject.) I feel like a sick fuck, but what can I do when I have all this filth
in me. I have to break it up, purge myself.
Addict: Uh um. I'm still not going anywhere.
Mitch: There's more always more I can keep purging
Addict: you're not going to send this.
Mitch: Here it goes. I DO have the final say.
Client Homework Example 6
This client came to me having legal problems regarding underage sex. Through our process, here at Compulsion Solutions, you can SEE the results. Notice how he is able to really understand and filter his impulsive Pornographic thoughts and come up with a more mature clarity as to his actions.
Porn: Hey, I want to talk with you.
Me: Okay, what's up?
Porn: I want to look at Porn. I thought about it when I came home from work. Why don't you want me to do it?
Me: I didn't say you should never do it. The important thing is to be sure you do not get into an addictive pattern again.
Porn: How does that happen?
Me: You start by thinking about it randomly and thinking it would just be for fun. But what happens is those
Pornographic images stay in your head. The images can sometimes get mixed up in every day life.
Porn: Like when I see a woman in real life, my mind will react like it did when I was watching
Porn. Yeah that happens sometimes. Like looking at a woman as an object.
Me: Right.
Porn: But she's not an object. She's a real person, and if my brain wasn't in
Porn mode, I know I would see her differently. I would notice her facial expression or mood. I might even be more likely to say hi.
Me: That happens not just with grown women but with underage girls too.
Porn: Right. That's the important connection. When I look at teen
Porn, it makes it more likely that later I will fantasize about underage girls. The reality is that it's wrong and very illegal to be sexual with underage girls, so I shouldn't be fantasizing about it at all.
Me: Do you think about it ever?
Porn: Sometimes the thought crosses my mind. But I don't attach to it. I tell myself to let it go. I think about how I am much older now, and how there is no way I could relate to a kid on any intimate level. It would be awkward and very inappropriate. That's when the fantasy loses steam. It goes away.
Me: That's good. Don't let it get you in trouble ever again.
Porn: I won't. It's so stupid and really not worth making a part of my life ever again.
Me: Good to hear. So are you going to look at
Porn tonight?
Porn: I don't have the urge anymore. This happened Monday night too. I thought about looking at
Porn a lot, but each time I let it go for the moment, and soon enough it was time for bed and I didn't want to anymore.
Me: Nice. Way to observe your mind and let the unhealthy thoughts go. You can't really stop them from popping in your head. If you keep true to your inner self then some other equally arbitrary thought will pop in there. And you can move on with your life.
We Can Help With:
- Sex Addiction
- Porn Addiction
- Internet Addiction
- Masturbation Addiction
- Sexual Massage & Prostitution
- Adult Book Stores
- Women with sex and fantasy issues
- Strip Clubs
- Anonymous Sex
- Multiple Addictions including eating, drugs & alcohol
- Spouses and Partners
- Sex and Love Addicts
Resources
- Videos
- Articles on Sex Addiction
- Books
- Self-test for Sex Addiction
- Treatments for Sexual Compulsive Behaviors
- Individual Counseling
- Couples Counseling
- Counseling for Women
- Counseling for Families
- Groups for Sex Addicts
- Case Studies
- Comments from Sex Addicts
- Links to Resources
Who We Are
- George Collins, MA, Director of Compulsion Solutions
- Our Team of Experienced Counselors
- Authors of "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" (Published October 2011 from New Harbinger Publications)
- Authors of "A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust & Restore Intimacy" (Published December 2011 from Adams Media)
